Bear with me. I know this is a bit weird, but I wanted to write to you now, before I’ve ever met you, as there are a few things I want you to know. Yes, you; the woman who will one day be the person who helps me realise that I will be able to love again because I will have fallen in love with you.
I say before I’ve ever met you – I’m assuming that’s the case, though don’t know it for sure. I may have met you already. We may already be friends, we may be acquaintances, I may have bumped into you out in a bar once or twice or I may have seen you going up an escalator as I went down the other side. All I know for sure is that you’re out there somewhere.
It’s sort of weird to know that. As I type these very words you’re out there somewhere, living your life without giving a second thought to my very existence, even if you ever gave a first thought. You’ve got a full life to lead, friends to see, holidays planned and work to do. You’ll have dinner tonight with friends or by yourself, go to bed alone or with someone else and wake up in the morning ready for another day, all not knowing that I’m the person that you will eventually fall in love with.
First up, an apology. I’ve been looking for you for a while now and haven’t found you. I know the odds haven’t been good – there are so many people out there and only so many that I can meet no matter how often I go out, so it’s perhaps no surprise we’ve yet to get together. But I can’t help regretting this fact as every single day that I don’t know you is another that we haven’t spent together, which I know I’m going to regret when we’re old and grey.
There are only so many days we have on this planet, after all. If I’m lucky I’ll get to see another 40 years (I’m being deliberately optimistic here!), which is only 14,609 days before I pop my clogs. Every single day that ticks by is yet another that I’ve not got to spend waking up next to you, smiling as I realise you’re mine and I’m yours and looking forward to spending a day safe in that knowledge. Every night I go to sleep at the minute is another night I’ve not been able to feel your warmth against me as I close my eyes with a smile on my face, feeling like I’m part of something greater than I am without you. I don’t want there to be too many more of those days.
That’s why I am in a rush to meet you. Not so that I can finally stop dating, nor because I feel under pressure from society, friends or family to be part of a couple again but because I already know I’m going to be sad that I wasn’t able to spend more time with you even if I met you tomorrow. Just think of all the things we’ve already missed! The sunrises and sunsets, the meals, the holidays, the laughs, the tears; everything.
I’m making out that everything between us will always be perfect – let’s be honest, it probably won’t be. There will almost certainly be times when we argue or disagree, when it gets tough and we row. As horrible as it’ll be during those moments, we’ll get through them together regardless. In fact, we’ll need to argue, as we will need to be fully honest and open with each other if we’re going to make things work. I promise to tell you when you do things which upset or annoy me, and you need to know that you can do the same. If you’ve got a problem then I want to be the first person you tell, especially if it’s about me. If my life up to now has taught me anything it’s that lasting love is built on honesty.
I’m going to apologise now for a few things that I know you’ll hate. I’m sorry for most of my sarcasm (sort of), it’s a default response that I’m working on. I’m sorry for having opinions on everything and feeling okay to argue them out if you disagree (I actually enjoy a good debate), and I’m sorry for the times when I argue when I should just shut up and admit I’m wrong. I’m sorry for sometimes being really busy so it seems like I’m withdrawing, and I’m sorry if ever I deflect with humour sometimes when I should be opening up.
Oh, and I’m sorry if I snore a bit after a few drinks . If there’s an operation to stop it from happening then I’ll gladly go under the knife without a second’s hesitation.
I’m really looking forward to you meeting my kids and being part of their lives. I won’t be expecting you to be a step-parent at all – I’ve got the whole parenting thing nailed and won’t ever expect you to do any more than you feel comfortable and able to do with them. But you being around me and them will help make things whole in a way it’s difficult to describe. It’ll be so nice for my girls to have a woman in their lives they can talk to when they’re with me, as no matter how much I try there will always be things they just won’t speak with me about! All four of them are going to love you, almost as much as I will, and will be able to see that their dad is indeed capable of that sort of love again.
I’m going to promise right now – and you can hold me to this – that I’m never going to take you or your love for granted. I’ll tell you how I feel regularly, and find ways of showing it whenever I can. I’ll try to surprise you sometimes with thoughts, gifts and more; be prepared to be on your toes. If we are going to work you’ll need to be willing to play games all the time, and I’m not talking about snakes and ladders; I want to find ways to make you smile all the time and hope that you’ll do the same for me. The day we stop being playful is the beginning of the end, so I plan on that never coming to pass.
There are going to be challenges, especially at the start. It’ll take me a while to truly open up and trust you with my heart. After everything that happened, hopefully you’ll understand why I feel a little protective of it and keep it under wraps at the moment. Just give me time and persevere, it’ll definitely happen little by little as I trust you more and so give you more. Don’t give up on me; it’ll be worth it, I promise.
It might also be a challenge for me to fully trust anyone ever again. I will do my absolute best to trust you, and know that you won’t do anything to hurt me or cause me to doubt, but I’ve learned the lesson of total, utter trust and can’t promise that I’ll ever get to 100%, even with you. If I show any doubts or worries, just know that I’m working things through and will soon realise that there is nothing for me to fear. We’re going to be a team, a partnership, a force of nature and no-one will ever come between us.
Don’t worry. That all sounds a little full-on when written like that; it won’t be that intense from day one. We’ll build something new together, growing in a way we don’t yet realise and creating something between us that makes both of us even better versions of ourselves and that we both own. It’ll take time; we’ve got years ahead of us, so I’m in no rush to get to the end point.
We’ll have a lot of fun along the way. Don’t let me fall into routines and I’ll make sure to do the same. Some routines are nice, of course, but we need to keep each ourselves and other interested and interesting.That’s one of the reasons I’m so keen to meet you – I’ve already missed too many opportunities to make you smile and hear you laugh.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi now, and let you know I can’t wait to meet you. If I’m right, I’ll know as soon as I see you that we’ve got a chance, and can’t wait for that moment when I realise we’re doing more than just dating. I can’t wait for the first moment we wake up together, and the first time I introduce you to someone. We’ve got so many firsts to look forward to, but first I have to find you.
I’ll make sure to keep my eyes open; hopefully you’ll do the same.