It’s been a while since my last post. Trump has survived three dozen scandals (at least). Spurs have won at Wembley. Children have returned to school, had their half term and returned once again. Halloween has come and gone.
A lot has happened.
I won’t go into too much detail yet about my romantic events as I’m still trying to process them, but that’s where the most has happened for me. I’ve met people, built up feelings and then seen things change. I’ve ended relationships which meant the world to me but ultimately ending them was the right thing to do, no matter how hard it was for all concerned.
And I’ve learned.
Over the past couple of months I’ve learned so much about where I am. I’ve learned that I am past the point of defining myself by whether or not someone attractive finds me attractive enough to date. I am past the point of dating for the sake of having something to do. I’ve learned more about what I see as solid foundations on which to base a long-term relationship and when to admit that something isn’t right. I’ve learned how truly shit I am at breaking things off. And I have learned the danger of being unaware of people’s feelings.
I don’t think I have been cavalier so far, and have been as careful as I know how to be with other people’s emotions. Still, I have got more than a little involved with people and reached a point where I have either have not been sure that I felt it was right to progress, or alternatively where I could see a way for it to progress. I always used to pride myself on being aware of other people’s feelings, but it turns out I have a massive blind spot when it comes to understanding how deeply someone else could feel about me.
I guess it’s simply down to the fact that I see all my faults, and assume that others do too and will therefore not fully want to commit to me. I see that I forget things and am not always as thoughtful as I want to be. I am inconsistent, and make my mind up on things too early without understanding how I got to my decision point. I have been guarded with my heart and haven’t wanted to show vulnerability or raw emotion. As understandable as that may be after what happened to me, it’s also a barrier that has gotten in the way.
So, after all this learning and more (that I will try to pick over on this blog), I guess I’m back where I started from. I’ve got and still have some incredible friends, and have got whirlwinds of thoughts in my head about where I am, what I want and how on earth I’m going to get there.
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s not me feeling sorry for myself. It’s not me saying I don’t think it’ll ever happen. No, it’s me saying I’ve had a break from dating and that break will probably go on for a while longer as I pick over and tidy up the threads I have left from what has proven to be an emotional period. It’s me saying I refuse to be cowed and refuse to believe that I won’t find the right person at the right time and in the right circumstances.
I still know who I am and what I’m worth. I know I’m pretty good third date material in a number of ways, and that there will be someone out there who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me and where we are both in the right time and the right place to date, build things and see where we go. And of course, someone who will accept the fact that I have a ready-made tribe who have their own hopes and expectations for my future other half.
So it’s time to get writing again. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, sort my thoughts out and prepare myself to get back in the game at some point in the future. I can’t see a fat lady singing so I know it’s not all over yet.
Winter is coming. It’s not going to beat me. Not yet.