Time for a profile update

It was overly long. It was full of complicated language and personal admissions. It almost felt like an apology in sections. Few people experienced it, and none who did enjoyed the experience. But enough about my sex life. 😉

My first attempts at writing a profile for online dating were disastrous, but deliberately so. I am an iterative learner, so need to have an experience in order to learn from it. Knowing that it’s far easier to edit than to create, I tapped out an honest rendition of who I was, how I’d gotten into my current situation and what I was looking for. I never saved it for posterity, but it pretty much ticked every one of the “things to avoid when writing a dating profile” checklist. Other than naked selfies and tigers, of course.

Over the coming weeks and months I chipped away at and evolved it, based on the sites I was on. I used Photofeeler to tweak my photos, so tweaked my profiles regularly and tried to adhere to the principles of Occams Razor for my bio section. While each version on each app was slightly different, they all ended up being a variation on this:

5′ 11″ Ryan Reynolds wannabe (who isn’t?!) who likes eating Frazzles whilst drinking whisky. Seriously, try it.

Craig David snuck me into a party once. Introduced me to Elvis Costello, Kevin Spacey and Sting. True story.

Not intimidated by being messaged first, either. 😉

There. Short, simple and not too detailed. Enough information to give someone plenty of hooks to ask questions about, fun enough to show that element of my personality and avoiding those lists of likes and dislikes that are boring as hell. If I’m offering advice to women on how to improve their own profiles, I should at least adhere to some of that advice myself.

However, with recent Spacey related allegations, I thought it would be a good opportunity to update my own profile a little. I’m not unhappy with it, of course, but that doesn’t mean I can’t flex my creativity a little. Here are a few starter ideas, feedback very much welcome;

I can’t moonwalk, backflip, sword fight, drive a HGV, kickbox, carve an ice sculpture, read music, defuse a bomb or programme a neural network.

Unless any of those are dealbreakers I’m well worth a first date.

Short again, hopefully funny (or at least amusing), but does it make them think of negatives too much? And could any woman ever truly respect a man who can’t moonwalk?

If you can’t quote Flight of the Conchords lyrics at me then I’m not sure we can be friends.

Too short, super niche and would go over most people’s heads. Still, if she could then I’d be madly in love after the first message…

Choose right. Choose taking a risk. Choose messaging someone who isn’t a vacuous and self-loving-self-loathing version of your shit of an ex-boyfriend. Choose interesting conversations. Choose going to new places with someone who wants to experience everything once and probably twice. Choose discovering the person who will make you wonder why it took so long to meet. Choose right.

Not bad, certainly memorable if a little intense. Doesn’t scream “fun” to me, but isn’t bad. Not being bad isn’t a ringing endorsement, however…

Excellent third date material. I mean, honestly, while I know the first date will go well I also know that by the time we get to the third you’ll be considering deleting this app and working out when is too soon to invite me to meet your mum. She’ll love me, by the way. I’ll bring her flowers and/or chocolate, and make sure your dad mentions that I have a good grip when I shake his hand. Think of any part of a third date; I’m surprisingly good there.

We all know what the tradition is about third dates. Well, I say that – I truly had no idea until I’d been dating someone for a while and she revealed how shocked she was that we’d not waited until the third date to, well, enjoy breakfast together. This bio plays on that, as well as playing on family relationships. Might be a little arrogant though?

I’ve dined with royalty, SCUBA dived with sharks, competed in salsa dancing competitions, got Craig David to sneak me into a celeb party, trekked Everest, fronted a band, played football on the Copacabana and talked my way out of arrest on three continents.

If you can work out which single one of those is a lie while the rest are true, I’ll pay for dinner and drinks.

Lots of conversations starters in there and, if they choose to take up the challenge, it contains a simple opportunity to get a first date in the diary. Still, it’s a little self-centred and bragging, isn’t it?

Never thought about what to write! Gonna give it a go, though. Give online dating a chance, I’ve been told! You don’t know where it’ll lead you. Up is a good direction!

(Only read the first word of each sentence. You’re welcome for that earworm.) 😉

Cheeky. I like this one, though it relies on them reading to the end.

I’ll keep trying to come up with something, but thoughts and suggestions from you all are very welcome indeed.