The Douche Dating Guide

Women. Birds. Chicks. Call them what you want, all guys want one (or more than one, fellas, amiright?!). As well as being useful around the house once they’re caught and domesticated, they look lovely and are great to have around when you need a certain type of itch scratched. (Sex. That means having sex.)

Us LADZ know that there’s nothing a girl likes more than a bit of bantz and to be told what she wants, but not all guys know how to do this. Most dating advice tells you to “respect them”, “concentrate on conversation and connection” and “be aware that women often experience constant unwanted or unasked-for sexual attention”. Well, that liberal hogwash is so achingly 2015 that it might as well put on a stupid fucking jumper and dance to Hotline Bling like an idiot.

No, if anyone knows what women really want it’s not going to be so-called feminism apps like Bumble or actual women; it’s us LADZ. So here’s the perfect way to pick up women, seduce them and get them in the palm of your hand.

Swipe right on everything

And that does mean everything. Doesn’t matter whether they are fat, thin, tall, short, good-looking or as ugly as Borat’s left testicle, swipe right as if it’s going out of fashion. Quantity has a quality all of its own. This will leave you in the position of being able to pick and choose at your leisure as, obviously, all women will swipe right on you too. If it’s on an app which allows you to message without a match then copy and paste something that sounds personal but isn’t, something like:

• Hey, wanna Netflix and chill?
• Hey, you look beautiful
• Wow, I love your eyes!
• You’ve got amazing tits!

If you’re feeling funny you can go for the more humorous approach. Birds love a guy who can make them laugh:

• Do you know what Rohypnol tastes like? No? Can I buy you a drink?
• Yes, I am single at the minute, it’s your lucky day!

And if you like being more mysterious then just say a simple “Hi”. She’ll go crazy thinking about all the things that are going through your mind as you type that, she won’t be able to stop herself from replying to find out more about you.

Ask to swap photos

If women didn’t want to swap photos then they wouldn’t buy cameraphones or be signed up to Insta or Snapchat. They love showing themselves off, and always put suggestive clothing on just so LADZ can eye them up; it’s some sort of hormone or evolution thing. So if you ask her to send over pictures of her in lingerie or of her naked, well, she’s bound to say yes.

Don’t be shy, though, and wait for her to make the first move. You’ve got a powerful piece of artillery in your own arsenal that works every single time – the dick pic. Anyone who tells you that a penis looks ugly at the best of times is lying, or at least has never seen yours. That needs to change. Women go mad for it, especially if you surprise her by sending it without her asking for it. These will never end up online, or sent to your friends and family to highlight your social ineptitude. No way.

Audio messages

Girls like guy’s voices. Another genetics thing, probably, fuck knows why. Send her a voice message of you asking her to do naughty things for you. She definitely won’t laugh at them, delete them, report you for them or share them with other people to point out what a toss-pot you are.

Negging

What woman likes compliments?! They receive them all the time, so stand out from the crowd by not saying nice things that you like about her, but pointing out all the things that make her self-conscious or shy. Taller than 5’5″? Call her amazonian. Weighs more than 8 stone? An elephant joke goes down a treat. It’s surprising to them, and will make her go crazy for you so that she can prove how awesome she really is.

Turn up late

When you do get to meet them in person, never, ever, ever turn up early. In fact, don’t even turn up on time. Always turn up 15-45 minutes late. This has a number of benefits; firstly, she’ll already have bought a drink for herself by the time you get there (saving you a few quid), but it’ll also have made you more mysterious, important and desireable. She will have spent the last half an hour wondering what incredibly important work you do that you couldn’t tear yourself away from, even for long enough to message her to tell you were running behind.

This will heighten her anticipation levels to fever pitch. It also means you can check her out before you get to the bar -if she’s a catfish, just cut and run and delete her number.

Talk about all the other women you’re seeing

You’re a popular guy! She wants to know that she’s with someone desireable, so tell her stories about all of the other dates you are going on and how fit the women are. It doesn’t matter that you’ve not been on a successful date in over a year and haven’t had sex that you’ve not paid for since Tina in accounts took pity on you at the Christmas party in 2016; she doesn’t know that, so make some shit up. She’ll be picturing you with them all and getting jealous, and jealous women will do anything to bag their man.

Don’t fuck about – talk sex

Women talk more than men – it’s science. If you don’t steer the conversation where you want it to go and quickly then there’s a good chance you’ll end up talking about feelings and thoughts and ideas forever. You’re a busy guy! Cut to the chase and lay it out for her. She’ll appreciate your directness and will know that you’re a man who likes to take charge.

Tell them where to stick their rejection

If you’ve followed all of these tips to the letter then she’ll be putty in your hands, but in the heat of the moment there’s a tiny chance that you might mess something up and she will turn you down.

Never walk away without telling her what a missed opportunity her decision is. Remind her how awesome you are and how she should be thankful you chose her; she’ll quickly change her mind when she comes to her senses.

And there you have it! The sure-fire way to bag any woman in the world. The only thing left is to save up money to pay to change your name by deed poll – pretty soon you’ll be wanting to change your middle name to “Legend”!

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I feel that I need to be totally clear and honest here, just to clear up any potential confusion. Every single piece of “advice” listed above is abhorrent and so wrong that it hurts, yet the more I hear from women about how men treat them from swipe to date, the more I believe that somewhere there must be some sort of guide like this out there which men are encouraged to adopt.

For a while I thought that some of those techniques must work otherwise they wouldn’t be used, not that I’ve ever tried them myself of course. However, I’ve yet to meet a single woman who has been sent a dick pic and thought “how avent garde, I simply must meet and sleep with this dreamboat”.

Guys – if you read a single piece of that “advice” and remembered a time you’d done it in the past, or even thought that it might be worth giving it a shot, take a long hard look at yourself and ask if your mother would be proud to know her son was doing that. It’s NOT COOL, even in an ironic way, to do any of those things.

Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you need to be a dick, and definitely doesn’t mean you have to show your dick.

Be better than this.

Peace out.