Setting up my kids for therapy

Being a parent is difficult at times; the strops, the arguments, the chores, and that’s just me. Get four mini versions of me involved and I stand little chance.

That’s why I am making it my mission to ruin them over time. As a parent you are in a position of power in that, generally speaking, if you tell them something is true then they believe you. As long as you say it consistently, with authority and with a straight face then you are onto a winner.

They have no idea what patience is; I have been setting some things up for years knowing that they won’t pay off until they grow up and move out. Here are some of my favourites.


This was a suggestion from a New Zealand comic that I saw years ago and is pretty simple. I’ve convinced my kids that guacamole is actually pronounced “goo-ah-car-mole-lay”. I’ve only ever referred to it as such, and rope in anyone who comes round to eat when we’re having Mexican food.

This one will pay off when they are older and out for dinner with their friends. One day they will have Mexican. One day they will pronounce it that way in front of them all. One day they will be mocked. One day they will message me to ask what the hell I’ve been playing at all these years. One day I will laugh at them.


This was an honest mistake my eldest daughter made and shared with me. She shared that until she was ten she thought that a crematorium was the place where cream and milk came from.

As far as my other children now know, that is indeed the case.

The Equator

Some people are very smart in some ways and ridiculously dense in others. I have just such a friend who regularly shares things that sound made up but aren’t. One such example of this was her heartfelt belief that the equatorial line on maps was actually a real life line on the ground. Not only is it, according to her, real, but it’s actually a pipeline filled with heat, which is spread to colder places to heat them so as to take advantage of the heat there.


The equator is now how our central heating is powered.

Enema and Enigma

Two words. Sound the same. Very different meanings. Mix them up and use them interchangeably at home and wait for the time they are asked for a synonym for mystery.

Happy Birthday, Random Strangers

Who doesn’t love birthdays? And no birthday is complete without a rendition of the incredibly deep song that is “Happy Birthday To You”.

In many countries it’s basically law to stand when you hear the national anthem. In the world that I am creating, it is law for my children to join in whenever they are in a restaurant and someone else starts singing happy birthday.

I am genuinely open to other ideas too, even those which pay off years down the line. Unfortunately I missed out on one that I now really want to do – take them as newborn babies to the woods along with a home-made crashed spaceship prop, bury it in a trench so it looks like it’s crashed properly and put them in it for loads of photos. Then hide those photos in the loft so they can stumble across them as an adult and you can tell them they are actually an adopted superhero.

Still, there are always grandkids I suppose…

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