Confidence. Why the hell is it so sexy (in and out of the bedroom) and how can people fake it until they make it?


Confidence is sexy.

I’d like to come up with a pithy or unique way of saying that, but more complex words simply wouldn’t do it justice. A confident person is one of the most attractive people in a room, whoever else is in there. Looks (to a surprising degree) go out the window when someone is truly confident in themselves. It’s magnetic.

I write this from the straight male perspective, of course, so appreciate that I’m pretty decently biased, but us men have a dual challenge. We need to be confident but not too confident that we look arrogant. We need to be seen as a leader but without being bossy or dominating. It’s often (though not always) expected that we’re the one’s suggesting places to go whilst somehow knowing and being sensitive to our date’s needs. All this whilst projecting an air of calm authority over ourselves which we often simply don’t feel.

You see, this is because we understand that insecurities aren’t sexy. I’m not talking about not being able to open up and talk about our feelings with people we know, or not being able to ever feel a bit of self-doubt. I’m talking about showing hesitation on a first date. Of second-guessing ourselves or showing that we don’t actually know what we’re doing. Indecision gives the impression that we don’t know what we want, and who wants to date someone who doesn’t know what they want?!

Showing confidence implies power and authority. Not necessarily power over other people, but over situations. It implies that you know who you are, what you’re about and that you know you are worth someone else’s time. It implies you know what you are doing and how to handle situations, even if you are winging it and actually haven’t got a clue what’s going on. And it implies you don’t need to compete, that you’re not playing a game with others; you’re simply who you are, and will win or lose by your own rules.

So what can you do if you aren’t coming across as confident as you want to be seen as?

Outside the bedroom

She doesn’t know you’re not confident. As far as anyone in that entire bar knows, you are the most confident person in the room. You are what you say you are, at least until proven wrong. Don’t outright lie, but remember that people around you will treat you how you put yourself across. They have no idea at all that you’ve been shitting bricks all day and feel hopelessly out of your league. Project an air of confidence and pretty soon it will cease to be a projection.

Body language matters. Not only to how your date sees you, but to how you see yourself too. Stop slouching. Imagine a string from the very top of your head, pulling you straight up towards the ceiling. Let it pull you up until your back is straight, your chin is up a little and your shoulders are low and back slightly. If you’re standing, imagine your hips are like a bucket; make sure the water is pouring out the front rather than the back; it’ll help your posture no end, and good posture helps confidence.

Dress to impress. Again, not really to impress her, but to impress you. If you catch yourself in the mirror and think “you look sharp”, the self-confidence it’ll give you will be amazing and will shine out. There’s a good chance your date will have made an effort; repay that effort with some of your own. (And for the love of the old gods and the new, smell nice too!)

Eye contact. Make it. Don’t stare, it’s not a competition, but making eye contact shows that you are not afraid of making a connection with her which, after all, is why you’re on the date in the first place.

Remind yourself that you’re a catch. You have high standards and are worth it. You have funny stories to share at the right moment, can have fun, can get serious and can surprise your date. You deserve happiness, whether it lasts the evening or the rest of your life, so tell yourself that fact.

But – and I can’t stress this enough – don’t be a dick. Boasting isn’t confidence. Arrogance isn’t confidence. Putting others down so you look better isn’t confidence. Telling someone what they think isn’t confidence. Intimidation isn’t confidence. If your nan would give you a clip round the ear for saying or doing something, that’s not confidence.

Inside the bedroom

Now, this is where confidence gets super sexy. If you’ve ever slept with a confident woman you will know what it can do for you. A confident woman will make you feel like a living sexual god, like you are able to find ways of pleasing her and hitting all the right spots and will leave you strutting around the office with a smile and a swagger for days. That’s what you should be aiming to do for her, too.

It’s not about claiming you can show a woman what she wants and likes without even needing to ask her first, but starts with knowing what you yourself enjoy and being confident enough to share that. Someone giving you what turns you on makes them far more likely to tell you what turns them on.

Have a think – right now – about what actually turns you on. Know it, and how to describe it succinctly to someone else. If you can’t say it to yourself then you can’t say it to someone else. In the heat of the moment you don’t want to be getting out instruction manuals and diagrams; keep it simple if you can and, unless you are totally sure she’s on the same sexual wavelength as you, keep it relatively within boundaries. You can build on things over time, but some things take trust. Make sure you know she is definitely up for bondage before cranking out the handcuffs and restraints.

Know that you being turned on is attractive to the other person. If you show it, you help them feel confident that they are doing the right things too. Confidence is a beautiful virtuous cycle which builds on itself; make her know what she is doing is good for you and that will, in turn, build your own confidence wonderfully.

Communicate. Don’t get them to fill in a flowchart in advance, telling you which combination of moves works best for them, but communicate with them before, during and after sex. If you want to do something a little bit unusual then this becomes doubly important. Try not to shy away from it or be nervous about the discussion; sex is fun, and talking about it can be too.

Own your own body. Odds are, you can’t really do too much to change it between now and your date, so it is what it is. Some people are blessed with incredibly toned, fit, healthy bodies which they are totally happy with while others have things about their own that they really don’t like. Even if you want to make changes to your body, live in and be as comfortable with it as you can be. If you show you like your body then they will probably find it more attractive as a result.

React to her own confidence. Some people like to be more dominant, some more submissive and some like things to be on the same level. Whatever of these roles your partner is comfortable with, she can display confidence and power herself through them; you need to be comfortable responding to this yourself and being a complementary rather than competitive part of the game. You’re on the same team; you both want to have the most fun possible, so work with rather than against her to make that happen.

And finally, remind yourself that you find the woman you’re with attractive enough to want to see her with her clothes off and do rude things with her. The very fact that you are there, in the same place at the same time, doing those things, proves that she finds you attractive too. You are worthy of her attraction, you are worthy of being there and you are sexy. When you believe this, so will she.

So, there you have my thoughts on confidence. It’s a strange thing in that it’s one of the few things which can be made real merely by projecting a fake version of it. Fake it to make it, and there’s a good chance it’ll be the only fake thing you witness on your date.


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