I’m sure there are a couple of readers out there who don’t yet follow the dating travails of Lucy Goes Dating (though I don’t know why you wouldn’t be?!), so for that small group she is currently running a series which introduces Charlie. Charlie is super sexy, handsome, confident and intelligent, and knows exactly what he wants. Apparently women like this.
Most men, however, aren’t quite like Charlie. Most men are a little less self-assured, and if their bluffs get called they go all rabbit-in-the-headlights. So, if you’re a man then hopefully the following will tell you that you’re not alone, and if you’re a woman then maybe some of this insight will explain why we act the way we do.
(And this is totally made up. Definitely. Absolutely not me. Not at all.)
Shit. This is happening. I know we’ve both had a few drinks and really fancy each other, but when I made a comment about taking this somewhere more private I didn’t expect her to actually say yes! I mean, I’m pleased, more than pleased in fact, but, well, shit!!!
Did I prep enough?! When was the last time I manscaped? If I take my boxers off and it looks like I’m sitting on the shoulders of The Undertaker she’ll kick me out right away! No, wait, you’re good. And after your shower and getting ready for the date you know you smell nice. Relax.
Where is this fucking uber?! You’re meant to be two minutes away, Mohammed, but that’s what it said ten minutes ago! We’ve been standing outside on the corner huddled together for warmth for too long; any longer and her currently warm places will have frozen over.
Kiss her more. No, careful, not too much, you’ve got to save a little bit in the tank to take it up a notch when you arrive at hers. Plus it’s so cold that your lips might freeze together like that time you tried licking the ultra-cold beer pipe. That didn’t end well. Just keep her warm somehow.
Finally in the Uber; what now?! This isn’t Fake Taxi, you can’t just go for it right here, I’m sure Mohammed would frown and destroy your Uber rating, then where would you be? Keep kissing her. Maybe a leg squeeze or two. There. She didn’t pull away, that’s a good sign.
Wait, of course it’s a good sign! You’re going back to hers to get all sweaty and swap bodily fluids, she’s hardly going to mind you touching her leg! How far can you push it, though? A little higher? Maybe a stroke of her chest somehow “accidentally”? Is Mohammed angling the mirror a bit?!
Probably best to kiss and make her giggle a bit. All in good time.
We’re here. Her place looks really nice. Not that the house is the thing you’re looking at – she is so hot! Don’t even question why on earth she’d want to sleep with you or you’ll never be able to go through with it, or worse she might change her mind.
Kiss her more, as soon as the door shuts. That’ll be passionate and sexy. Or perhaps she wants to be polite and calmer? What if she’s got cats and you fall over and accidentally smash a vase that’s been a family heirloom for six generations?! Will your insurance cover that? If not, can you afford to replace it?! 17th Century Dutch vases don’t come cheap, you know…
You’re being an idiot. Calm down and kiss her. She’s pulling you towards her. Just go with the flow. That’s it; get your coat off. Shoes too, shirt, trousers. No idea how we’ve made it to the bedroom, but here we are and you’re in your pants. And your socks.
Shit. How do you take socks off sexily?!
Who the fuck invented socks anyway?! Whichever fucking masochist did that obviously never thought of the consequences of passionate sex being interrupted while you pull them off clumsily! Just bite the bullet, pause and get them off while she takes her top off. If you time it right she’ll never even see you fumbling, nor notice the hole in one of the toes.
Okay, first decision moment. To paraphrase the words of 20 Fingers (feat. Roula), do you lick it before you stick it? Some women love receiving oral sex, others don’t, and your half-stubble-half-beard thing is on the border between scratchy and soft.
You’re overthinking again. You enjoy doing it and unless she says not to, just go for it. Trust your skillz; according to others in the past you’re pretty damn good at it in fact. Plus, if she does enjoy it there could be a chance that she reciprocates. That always feels so, so good. Just make sure it doesn’t feel so good that the evening ends, well, prematurely…
Right, that was fun. Serious fun. She makes a great sound when she orgasms; she is sooooooooo sexy. I’d happily do that for ages, even if she hadn’t rewarded me with my own little bit of heaven. Feels like we’re both happy with the starters, time for the main course.
Don’t even think about asking about condoms. It’s not for her benefit, it’s for yours; just grab one from your wallet. There’s one behind that annoying coin pocket thing in there.
Shit. The packet is split. Can you risk it? It’s probably still alright, isn’t it? You ate that leftover chicken last month that you knew had been in the fridge for almost a fortnight, and besides a few cramps you survived. The condom will be fine, won’t it?!
Nope. Don’t be an idiot.
Great! She’s got one! Don’t even think about what else might be in that drawer she opened, nor how many times it’s been opened. You’ve had your life and she’s had hers. Plus, hers looks like a good brand and not the cheap pack you got out of the pub toilet machine months ago.
Okay, you’re in a rhythm. This is great. Sex is AMAZING!!!!!! Why do you always forget how good it is in between having sex?! Why don’t you just have sex all the time?! You could probably type with a computer on the bedside table during working hours, or she could go down on you during a conference call. Life would be perfect!
You’ve gone through the initial fear point. You know, the point where you realise she’s way too hot for you and you instantly and uncontrollably finish early to the disappointment of you both. You’re sorted now. In the sweet spot (as it were), in the groove (these innuendos are too much now).
Though didn’t one of your friends mention that some women hate it when guys take ages to cum? How long has it been now? Don’t look at your bloody wristwatch as if you’re checking a schedule! You can work it out – if you add up the oral stage, then starting off, then position two, then position three, then back to position one; must be a good five minutes now. Or perhaps twenty? Shit, it could half an hour already! Or maybe an hour or more!!! She’s probably drier than an Egyptian mummy’s arse right now and waiting for you to grunt in conclusion!
Stop being an idiot!!! She’s having a good time, that’s fairly obvious, and you’re definitely having a good time. Just keep going and finish when it feels right.
If I push her legs up, ankles around my neck, will she pull a muscle? And does she even like it that deep?!
My stomach muscles ache. So do my arms. I need to work out more. Or just have a lot more sex.
Okay, feels like things are coming to their end. Shall I just keep going until I finish? Do we need a discussion on where to, well, share the fruits of our labours? I’ve no idea whether she’s really into porn and wants to do something unusual, or whether I should count my blessings and keep it simple.
She’s whispering in my ear. So, so hot. Looks like you’re both happy to keep it simple. This time, at least…
Now what?! Where do I put the condom?! It can’t just be left on the floor, I can see myself doing a banana skin type comedy fall; how would that be explained to the paramedic?! No, nip to the loo, wrap it in tissue and put it in the bin. Definitely don’t flush it. Don’t want to face that disaster again.
She’s talking now, sleepily looking at me and stroking my face. She’s perfect. I can’t believe….. I’m………………………………here………………………………….
Don’t fall asleep!!!
She’s purring. She’s too perfect to snore. Now, time to lightly doze and pray that either she’s a deep sleeper or that your normal snore takes a night off. Otherwise there’ll never be a round two, and where’s……………..the fun……………………….. in…………………………………………………………………………………………..