A Practically Perfect Partner

I am a lucky man when it comes to my kids. Through the whole divorce process and settling into life as a new family unit they’ve never wavered from their core belief that they are now and will always be the most important things in my life. They know how happy and proud they make me, and that I want nothing more than happiness for them.

I suppose that’s why they’ve taken me finding happiness to heart themselves. As soon as it became clear that I would no longer be married to their mother they started initiating conversations – of their own accord – about the fact that ultimately I would want to find another person to give my affections to. They knew that whoever it was would never replace their mother, but that she would hopefully find a place with us as a family unit and would ultimately become a loving parent for them as much as a loving partner for me.

With that in mind, they started telling me things that I needed to add to my own personal tick list (some of which they’ll never know because, well, there are things that should stay behind closed doors…). Most of it is lovely and heartfelt. Some of them are a tad eccentric. I’ll try to add more as they think them up, but in the meantime ladies; mark yourself against these criteria:

• Be fun
• Be able to dance and not feel silly
• Be good at some sort of sport (or at least try)
• Be happy to try lots of new foods
• Be willing to one day be interviewed by the kids to check you’re not evil
• Know how to be a good super-villain (but not an evil one)
• Want to help build our ultimate dream house
• Be funny
• Be kind
• Know how to do at least five girl’s hairstyles
• Like robots
• Be really good with knives so that you can avenge my death if I get murdered by ninjas
• Able to swim
• Like computer games (or at least don’t mind the kids playing games)
• Able to help at homework
• Like ice cream and other desserts
• Do voices at bedtime story time
• Be good at cuddles
• Know how to put plasters on when the kids fall over (first aid trained would be even better)
• Be clever
• Know some really bad jokes
• Drive a car
• Don’t live 500 miles away
• Don’t have more gums than teeth
• Be beautiful in face and body
• Be confident
• Have lots of good advice (especially about how boys are stupid)
• Be fit and healthy
• Like good movies such as Star Wars and The Goonies
• Able to ride a bike
• Have good taste in music
• Have a phone that’s not too old
• Don’t be squeamish
• Don’t be vegetarian or vegan
• Multiple languages would be awesome
• Don’t mind getting dirty in the garden
• Don’t be too forgetful
• Don’t take five hours to leave the house as you’re doing your makeup
• Don’t be overprotective
• Don’t be scared of thunder and lightning
• Don’t be lazy

And finally…

• Make Daddy feel happy again

Yep. I’ve got awesome kids.

N.B. All of those are genuinely from my kids, though are not in any particular order. And no, I don’t know why they think ninjas are out to get me.